- wife: Where are you?
- me: I told you I'm at work.
- wife: Swear you're not at Chuck E Cheese again?
- *skee ball machine alarm goes off in the background*
do i have any weird followers that want to transfer me money for absolutely no reason at all
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- me reclining in diamonds and a black velvet dress with a slit up the side on a red velvet couch covered in silk handkerchiefs with a crystal glass full of the finest liquor in one hand and the other thrown over my eyes in elegant anguish: i'm sick
siri read a message from my mom (2017)
i think we’ve gotten as close to a real life Howler as we can get